_________________
Which
is
sharper?
The
hatchet
that cuts
down
dreams
or the
scythe
that
clears
the path
for
another.
- The Dreamer
_________________
Who am I ?
I twist and turn.
Shift and form.
Open up just to clamp shut in a moments notice.
I study the room , the characters in it
and portray a curated version of myself.
Who do I think I must be?
As i hold two versions of myself,
I give in to the words that shape and bind me.
I contemplate vurnability and practice my way out of
conversations.
My priority is to shed away my qualities that may bring
attention.
In moments like these I have control.
How much I show and what I share.
But here I am , letting go of what I believe I want most.
Control.
Who am I?
Here is a space for me to create, imagine , and embrace what is in my hands.
Much love,
Elier
An Open Letter
To Family & Friends
Here is an open letter to my friends and family.
To those who have seen me watch bad boys for the first time , and those who have seen me marvel at the blessing that is Beck and Jamiroquai. To my family that still calls me by my OG name "Gordito" , to those who have danced " El Sonidito" around a café with me ( countless times ) and to those friends I haven't met yet.
As I am writing this my gut is wrenching, the air around me seems to be both thick and heavy, and my heart is pounding out of my chest. Up until this moment, I have felt as if i was under water. Holding my breath, not knowing when it is safe to come up and inhale an ounce of fresh air. I know that i am writing this to two different audiences; one that questions why I am doing this and to those of you who know a different Elier back in Houston.
I have wrestled with being comfortable in my own skin
constantly asking myself
Who am I ?
Who do people think I am?
What Expectations Am i trying to fulfill?
These gut wrenching questions have helped me look at myself in the mirror with full honesty and break off the masks that I wear. In moments like these I remember why I moved to Austin. To question and grow outside of familiarity and allow realities to expose my insecurities and strength in starting over.
In The Mountains
Last year i traveled to Peru to hike the Inca Trail with a friend that I admire, love , and have so much respect for. Jason, that’s you. Thank you for being my friend , and giving me space to unfold, and for always encouraging me. Encouraging me to know that I am worth loving and that I am Enough. Nothing to earn , nothing to prove, nothing to gain.
Before my trip , I drove down to Houston griping the leather of my steering wheel with anxiety and hearing the heavy beats of my heart get louder and louder. I have been carrying emotional baggage on my shoulders for so long that they had become too familiar and a part of me., With this realization I made the decision to let them go.
Here We Go
This is a small piece of a letter I wrote a year ago to my beautiful Mama.
"Even as I write this I want to protect you. From any pain or discomfort. I have been truly honored to have been blessed to have you as my Mom. to be able to call you " Mi Mama" Your love has truly carried me thru every step of this silent 10 year journey and I thank you for loving me with everything you have. My journey is long but a beautiful one, I don’t understand many things yet, and I may have as much questions about this as you do. But... this is my reality , the skin that i live in and have lived in silence. At times I have wondered if I should even be in this world as I was being flooded in shame, and drowned in the voices that did not allow me to love myself. Whatever was out there, whatever being, whatever force . I was angry. Your unconditional love Ama that you showed kept my heart soft and willing to love. Because I love you, I know I have to share this with you. Here is an open invitation for you to join me on my journey, and carry this with you with open hands.
No more lies.
No more Shame
I let this Go”
That night I babbled , I moved my lips with no words left in me to speak. I stared into the eyes of my biggest fear. I took a deep breath , Lifted my head , and focused my gaze towards my Mom.
"Ama, Whether you are with me or not I must move on"
"I’ve known this about me since I was 12 or 13 and its been a lonely 10 years"
"Living with the fear of rejection night and day"
"Ama,"
" I Am..."
"I Am"
" I. Am. Gay"
There was silence. Then in a moment, my mom uttered the words that are to this day vivid, living, and breathing words imprinted on my memory.
" I Will Always. LOVE You. and Protect You"
"Always"
A glasslike layer Shattered around my heart. I was fully known, seen, and loved by someone that I cared for the most.
I am Gay and I am here.
To be present in this life like so many of us desire.
I am Gay and I am Here
No longer suppressing emotion or numbing who I am. No more coasting and numbing , but embracing the complex and redemptive nature of pain, struggle, and love.
At this moment , I am not asking for permission but extending an invitation.
I know that I have had time to make sense of this, and I offer an open invitation to my family and friends. To wrestle with what bothers you about this, what questions you may have, to join me on this journey and to hold this piece of me with open hands. My desire is for you to hear my story and know that I value each of you by including you with my own narritive and voice.
To hear how the worst moments in my life has made me strong.
To hear how my loneliness has given me the drive to make others feel loved and welcomed.
To hear how I have accepted to love the skin that I am in.
I write this with deeply rooted love, pain ,and peace.
- Elier
Say Hi
Not sure if i can help much , but I am more than willing to have open minded conversations. Hit me up! I would love to hear more about you, what you are thinking about or comments you may have. Lets Grab Coffee
Mucho Amor
Elier,
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